David Harper to Winter: Go Away

You look and think "pretty." I look and think "cold."

Dear Mother Nature,

It seems as if we have this conversation every year, yet inexplicably I must contact you anyways. While you did give us a surprising grace period that left us snowless and without bitter cold into November, you've since returned with a vengeance. If it weren't for the timely acquisition of toasty gloves to warm my hands through these harsh times, I don't even know if I'd be able to survive the winter. On the same shopping trip in which I acquired these gloves, I nearly picked up a hat to warm my head that would have made me look like a 1920's newsboy.

Such is the desperate place you put me in.

Gone are the fleeting thoughts of a balmy winter, in which I could simply grit my teeth and insist I wasn't cold (I would be) and ignore the fact winter was upon us (it would have been). They've since been replaced with thoughts of vacationing in such summery meccas as Edmonton (Canada, for gods sake!) and New York City. Alas, they are not exactly Miami themselves, but compared to the Great White North they're a veritable paradise.

Perhaps that's why our favorite holidays are situated as they are. What else could make winter salvageable besides those days that best allow us convivial experiences? Sure, you may suggest that these holidays are positioned as such because of some really old guy's birthday and to give thanks for the good things in your life, but I don't buy into your bait and switch. You're trying to make us forget it's cold, aren't you?

Sneaky, but not sneaky enough.

It is what it is. We've been through this before and I'm sure we'll go through it again next year. If you could do me one favor though, let's see if we can make it abnormally warm (I'm thinking 72 degrees) on January 17th. That would be one heck of a birthday present. Let's just ignore the fact that it would be absolute pandemonium for driving and run with it.

Sincerely,

David Harper

The Weekend Edition

I can hardly believe it. I haven't written a weekend edition since September...that's pretty incredible. Given that it is my one and only regular post, you'd think I'd stay up to date on it, especially given that it's just a recap of my weekend. Attribute it to laziness, my busy nature, or whatever, it just hasn't been happening. However, it's Sunday night and it was a particularly good weekend (despite a rather devestating Patriots loss tonight) and I feel as if it's time to restart the time honored (and recently ignored) tradition. What happened this weekend?

• Closing the week without having to go in for jury duty once
• A particularly delicious home cooked meal of tofu pad thai
• Big movie night at my place (with many, many guests)
• Breakfast at Snow City with Stephanie, Olivia and JT
• Awesome day at Kaladi Brothers with Brandon, Cate and Eric
• Downtown early evening shenanigans with Eric and Cate
• Catching the fantastic and brutal (for one guy) Pacquiao/Cotto fight
• Delicious breakfast at Middle Way (with complimentary potential job offer!)
• Kaladi day with Cate, Eric and Gary Busey
• Basketball with Colver
• People over for Patriots game that ended...tragically

Note the extreme lack of crazy partying by myself. There are a number of reasons why this happened and likely will be happening much more often. Let us count the ways:

1. It's cold as hell out
2. It's expensive to party
3. Removes (most) opportunities for me to embarass myself
4. There is so much to do without going out!

Staying in solves the first three problems, it allows me to follow through on reason 3, and it opens up the extremely underrated concept of doing things on Saturday and Sunday without feeling like death (oh not feeling like death, how I adore you). There is one additional caveat: it allows me to get to know new friends better.

It seems like every six to nine months (or about when Cate will be quitting a job), my group has a bit of a refresh of people. Every Friend Season (as I will be calling them now), my group loses two to three people yet seemingly replaces them without skipping a beat. This weekend, I had ample opportunity to hang out with great new friends like Stephanie, Gen, Katherina, Kerstin, Olivia, and Eric (not to mention the immortal Gary Busey), and it was a wonderful time. I really enjoy our new batch of friends, and it's perfect timing heading into The-Season-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. It seems as if plans for elaborate parties (ranging from Snuggie Parties to classy dress parties and beyond) are being proposed at a frenetic pace, leading me to grin with delight at the sheer prospect.

As Victor Hugo once said, "winter is on my head but eternal spring is in my heart." Such is the curative power of good friends, providing me an eternal spring during my least favorite time of the year. Now if we could just get rid of this ridiculous five degree weather, teh rest of me could feel something resembling eternal spring as well. C'est la vie, Alaska.

The Iceman Cometh

Similar to what I will look like very soon

My least favorite time of the year is upon us, as we've now come to the point where Alaska goes from summer straight into winter. Allegedly, we're going through fall right now as various people I know insist, but I know better. We're in winter, and every time I wake up I expect to look out the window and see half a foot of the fluffy white stuff. It's already bitter and cold when I walk out for work in the morning, regardless of how I try to deny it by wearing completely incorrect clothing for the temperature. Just an fyi, but that is an absolutely stupid way to deal with winter approaching. All it does is make you really cold, not curb the approach of fearsome cold.

Part of the reason why I don't wear warmer clothing is because I don't really have any. That ties in quite a bit to the fact that I am pretty much the worst Alaskan in the state. During the winter, I'm well known for my terrible decision making when it comes to clothing, and I often attempt to hibernate as much as possible as if I was some sort of human polar bear. Not only do I completely fail at winter, but I also really don't like it. The last few years have been salvageable because of staying busy constantly with friends like Amy, Kim and Hannah being socially inspiring, but with that trio moving and a few of my best friends taking steps towards full out domestication it's going to be more difficult than usual.

So what do I do? Take a lengthy and awesome vacation? Relocate to warmer (not necessarily greener) pastures? Grin and bear it? Who knows. As I frequently discuss with my good friend Kim (the one who left last year), I really feel ready for a change. I felt that way in the summer, and man, now that winter is hitting it really feels time. I think Joanne and I just need to go on The Amazing Race so I can travel, win an awesome competition, and become world famous. Perhaps that's a bit unrealistic, but hey, at least I aspire to awesome goals right? There is the upside that the winter coerces me to go to the gym a lot and work on getting my running times down, so when The Amazing Race does actually call me I'll be ready to kick some ass.

All Good Things Come to an End

In Her Space Holiday's track "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend", Marc Bianchi sings about how his sister used to say how hardships always seem to come in two's. Cool lyric, but I never really noticed that trend. Until today.

Last night, Amy Steele, one of my best friends, told me that she was not only moving (knew that was coming) but that it would be in like a week and a half. I was shocked. Obviously I knew it was coming, but a week and a half is not much time to mentally prepare myself. I went to bed a sad version of myself, to wake up to a frosty morning with cold precipitation, reports of snow coming this evening on Twitter, and termination dust invading our mountain views. It's as if the mere announcement of Amy's departure triggered Alaska to say "hey! it's winter time!" Fannnntastic. I do have to say that this summer has been amazing and I'm thankful that it has been as great as it has been, but still, I'd prefer winter to just stay away.

While I hate winter deeply (it's a mutual thing), Amy moving is far worse. I'm very upset with Alaska right now, and all its stupid stupidness (I write poorly whilst upset).

I'm in hell

Alright, that title is obviously a bit overdramatic, but still, when designing a version of my own personal hell, the actual atmosphere would likely be rather similar to Alaska in the winter. I love Alaska. It's beautiful. It's provides many great opportunities. It's home.

But good god, sometimes enough is enough. Today has pretty much represented everything I don't like about the state in one big mega mix of absurdity. There are many reasons why I find this place extremely frustrating to live, but the primary ones are below.

1. Perpetual darkness

Today it was light out from 8:56 am until 4:32 PM. In case you're not willing to do the math (and who would be really) that is 7 hours and 36 minutes of daylight. Less than one third of the day was light out and I was working for the entirety of that. Of course, some people are into that. Vampires for one. They'd love it. You can be a daywalker like Blade in Alaska, because odds are it isn't going to be daytime ever.

2. Freezing.

When I was at the gym I complained to a coworker about how it took me thirty minutes to get from my office to the gym. He asked "didn't you grow up here?"

Yes, I grew up here, but that doesn't mean one ever necessarily gets adjusted to living in thirty degree weather on a good day. The worst part is the fact that Alaska is seemingly mean spirited to its citizens. It has this nasty of habit of snowing, getting really freaking cold so everything freezes, thawing out a little bit, then getting cold and snowing again simultaneously. Then you're left with what it was like after work today - a car buried in snow, cold to the bone, and everything is so slick you almost fall everytime you get in or out of your car.

And I did. I ate it bad. I was on the phone with Brian when I crashed to the ground so hard he actually was about to get off the line because he thought I got in a car accident. That's how you know a fall is serious business - when you do it and someone openly wonders if there was a car accident. I feel as if I need to lose weight.

3. People drive crazy slow and slowly crazy

Due to the fact it's dark, cold, and icy, everyone on the road in Alaska turns into some fusion of a drunk driver and a senior citizen while driving. God forbid you actually come across a senior citizen or a drunk driver, because you better start praying. Earlier today during my ten minute jaunt turned 30 minute sojourn from work to the gym, an older woman took a right through a red as oncoming traffic crashed down upon her, but it wasn't a standard right.

Oh no.

It was one of those ten minute slight anglings that takes a person all the way to the far lane on a three lane road. She nearly caused the biggest accident this side of a demolition derby as the furious and terrified drivers that approached her harmonized their horns.

No less, the Alaskan driving experience becomes so bad that you pretty much don't want to drive. Every venture triples in length of time. You find yourself telling nearby friends that you don't want to make the trip because it would take too long. Essentially, because the driving is so bad (or just slow, as I insist) you feel permitted to become a shut in. Hibernation I say, but some would disagree.

4. I can't do anything outside...
5. because I suck at all winter sports

This is a combination reason. I love pretty much all summer sports. Basketball, baseball, football, frisbee golf, ultimate frisbee, golf, soccer, hiking...hell, I've been known to partake in badminton and croquet if the situation arises. I'm good at all of them too, and I have a blast doing them. Perhaps that's because I can play them effectively or perhaps it's because I genuinely enjoy them. Obviously, with Alaska how it is during the interminably long winter, I can't do any of them.

My alternative is any and every winter sport, but there are two truths about them - I don't like any of them, and that is mostly because I'm bad at all of them. I can't really stop in hockey. The last time I went snowboarding I got a concussion that was so serious the doctor said if I hit my head again in the next three months I may die.

I can't even sled. I wish I was joking, but I'm really not. Seeing me try to sled is one of the more awkward things you will ever see, as even negotiating my way onto the sled is problematic for me. The concept of getting onto it always troubled me, as even the larger sleds I act like it's thimble sized disc that I must wedge myself in to. Then when the movement begins, I have a tendency to fall off. I have absolutely no confidence in my sledding skills (or lack there of).

In summation

Alaska sucks during the winter. You know a person is an Alaskan when the first snow fall happens and they immediately tell friends how much they can't wait until the next summer. Summers rule in Alaska. It's pretty much perfect.

Alaska - where you survive 8 months a year to enjoy four months a year.

Hmmph.

I need winter hobbies badly.

An Open Letter to Alaska

My Driveway - 6:54 AM this morning

Dear Alaska,

You're hilarious.

Happy? Are you happy that your joke is considered funny by one of your residents? I bet you're having a good laugh about the fact you teased us for a couple weeks with the 45+ degree weather and the seemingly early melting of the snow, and then dropped a ton of snow on us twice in three days. I bet you think it was hilarious.

Well, it's not.

Look at a frickin' calendar Alaska! What does it say? April. APRIL! Unless this is a really belated April Fool's Day joke, I am not pleased with you. So here's my bit of advice to you. Lock it up. Five inches of snow is not OK with me. People driving five miles per hour EVERY WHERE is also not OK with me. You need to lock it up, and remember what season you are in...April is part of Spring. Spring. Not Winter.

Consider yourself on notice Alaska.

That is all.

Sincerely,

David Harper