The man I will soon be replacing
Dear Food Network,
First off, I have to say I am a big fan of your network. Not in a spacial sense, I just really like your shows quite a bit. As someone who considers himself a connoisseur of food, being able to watch elite chefs and the amateurs alike is quite the thrill and inspiration as I am occasional overly elaborate culinary artist myself.
Compliments aside, what I am writing about today is to announce my candidacy to become the new host of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Sure, current host Guy Fieri does a good enough job and the show is already massively entertaining, but there are a number of reasons I would do a better job on your spectacular show about the random delicious holes-in-the-wall across the country. Here are some of the reasons:
- I look significantly less ridiculous than Guy (no creepy blond spikes here!)
- I will eat anything (seriously, try me). Even Guy likely has his limits. Limits that I do not have.
- I have an uncanny ability to find small, unknown and tasty restaurants.
- 47% of my friends have described me as "moderately personable" and someone in a bar once told me I was "funny as hell"
- Have an extensive vocabulary - I promise to describe what I eat with more than just "great texture" and "(insert adjective here) juices"
- I am open to traveling not just nationally (and constantly), but worldwide.
- I will work year round - no kidding.
- Best yet - I will work for free. You will just have to pay my travel, room, and food expenses.
If you're not sure about my ability to take over that ridiculously awesome show, I disagree but I accept it. However, there are alternative options for hiring this up-and-comer. If need be, I think there is a role for me on your other standout show Everyday Italian. You may be missing this, but as an incredibly empathic person I have noticed that Giada De Laurentiis seems a bit down. I could help with this. As her personal assistant I could help reclaim her glow and love for the craft of making delectable food.
The ball is in your court Food Network.
David Leroy Harper the Second