The Scuffle to End all Scuffles

"Gentlemen fight with their mouths, not their fists." ~ Anonymous

"Good men do not fight with women." ~ Anonymous

"You're going down Amy Steele!!!" ~ David Harper

Tuesday night, myself and a large group of friends (Amy, Lacey, Lorna, Colver, Kim, and Nick) went to Humpy's for the Pub Quiz, aka Trivia Night v 2.0. It was once again ridiculously difficult, but this time far more fun. Why was this? Lacey, Amy, and I went an hour and 15 minutes early to secure a booth, and that made pretty much all the difference. Well...that and the fact that instead of having simply two beers each, we had a total of 8 pitchers between the seven of us, all of them being rather severe beers. You know...tasty but strong. Needless to say, social lubicrant was served, and everyone was having a jolly time.

It was a very good time, but the most entertaining part of the night had to be Amy and I. Why were we entertaining? We were fighting all night long. Tensions were so high between us, when we weren't fighting she was like the U.S.S.R. and I was like America during the Cold War - neither party was doing anything, but we both knew the other party could drop the bomb at any time.

One main difference between our spat and the Cold War?

Ours was a full out war, with the two sides launching flurries of slaps, head butts, helicopter spins, and various other malicious acts towards the other party. All of this was without even leaving Humpy's. As we were leaving, I managed to lift Amy up and begin spinning her (my classic girl move), which was going perfectly until a bouncer suggested casually that I should probably put her down. Solid recommendation bouncer. Typically that would be the end of the story, but hoo boy...this puppy isn't finished. Not by a long shot.

After we left Humpy's, Lacey took Amy and I back to my place, Amy to her car, myself so I could slumber peacefully. But of course, Amy wouldn't have any of that, running and diving into me as I went to say good night to her and Lacey. I was shocked! How could someone break a cease fire in such an intense and horrific way? I of course was forced into defending myself, unleashing the quote near the top upon Amy and attacking with a ferocity seen rarely outside of cheesy action flicks and epic movies starring people wearing armor.

As you can clearly see above, Amy took to the advantage at first, using the incredibly icy terrain and the aforementioned surprise to take me down, forcing me to the ground and taking away my ability to use my raw power and incredible intellect to my advantage. Of course, not unlike the noble Mongoose on the cowardly Cobra, I spun her and took the advantage right back. As Dwight Schrute would say, one of the flaws of women are their "weak arms," and I overpowered her with my freakishly powerful cannons (aka my arms), as clearly shown in the image above. To quote my Dad, Amy was "up shit creek without a paddle," and disgusting metaphors aside, that is a fairly accurate statement. Amy was mine!

Or so I thought.

Using her feminine wiles and cat like quickness, Amy used my apparent power position to her advantage, putting me in a fearsome headlock (as seen in the picture to the left), disabling me and effectively ending the battle in a truce and putting the two warring factions in a tenuous ceasefire. As much as it hurt me to do so (especially when the opportunity for the nuclear bomb of outside scuffles - the whitewash - was clearly within reach), I agreed upon said truce, and even made enough peace to take a picture with Amy afterwards (picture directly below), commemorating the battle that was witnessed not only by Lacey, but surely by my neighbors and by the couple driving down the street in an SUV during the battle.

In all seriousness, it was a bizarre scuffle that was extremely fun and something that likely couldn't be recreated given 30 similar evenings.

Also, in all fairness to myself, as entertaining as those quotes are at the top, I want to point out an addition to one that should be made.

Good men should not fight with women. Unless they are Amy Steele.

- David Harper

Fair enough I say.