A Slice of Fried Gold

Go AK Wild?

Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm not entirely sure how it's possible, but for the third time Colver and I went to the season opener for Alaska's "Intense Football League" team the Alaska Wild. This time we were joined by Hannah and Jason, and it was quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever attended. There are many good reasons, but in order from worst to...least worst, they were:

1. The DJ
2. The horrible, horrible on field personality
3. The Alaska Wild's QB
4. Caged Cheerleaders
5. Mush Mouth McGee
6. Stallion

The DJ was maybe the worst DJ on the planet. I'm not sure if he played anything that was made in the last year, and most everything he played was popular (and terrible even then) in the 90's. At one point, I turned to Hannah and Jason and asked "do you think this is what it felt like to go to a dance club in 1992?" This is a huge downturn from the last football game I went to (Pats vs. Seahawks at Qwest Field), where Colver was seemingly DJing as the DJ only played butt rock (mostly AC/DC) and super ghetto rap. I really wished Colver would DJ this time.

Then there was the on field personality, who did everything from make fun of children, openly mock one of the cheerleaders, and punch a baby in the face. Alright, the last part wasn't true, but given his previous actions, I wouldn't have been altogether surprised.

Not to be outdone, in the offseason the Alaska Wild apparently took DNA from Michael Vick and Vince Young and spliced it together to form their new QB. His passes (he had three completions) were what happens when you combine Vick's velocity with Young's horrific accuracy, and he really just liked running the ball...poorly. His favorite play was either the fake option to the two yard loss or the "hike the ball and then trip," which really was one of his stronger plays.

This team is incredibad. From top to bottom, this is maybe the worst ran franchise in sports, regardless of level or sport. After the little girl who brought water bottles to the opponent Fairbanks Grizzlies fell down, the Grizzlies all came over and helped her up and made sure she was okay, at which point we began openly cheering for the Grizz (and their three eyed mascot bear with a pick axe - only in Alaska).

Yet we'll probably still go to more games, because they are still massively enteraining. As we left the arena to cries of "they are who we thought they were" and "playoffs?! playoffs?? who said anything about playoffs. playoffs?!" laughing hysterically and bringing mirth to other exiting Alaskans, I'm pretty sure we all realized we had a blast. I can't wait for my next chance to go "go AK Wild," although I'm very glad I get free tickets. I would never pay to see them.

Also - Erik, see below for my recently drafted fantasy baseball roster (we start two of each position, five OF, one utility, 5 SP, and 5 RP, plus four bench):

C: Mike Napoli, Ramon Hernandez
1B: Prince Fielder, Joey Votto
2B: Jose Lopez, Felipe Lopez (aka the Brothers Lopez, or Bropez)
3B: David Wright, Alex Gordon
SS: Orlando Cabrera, Elvis Andrus
OF: Nick Markakis, Carlos Quentin, Matt Kemp, Shane Victorino, Andre Ethier
U: Adam Jones
Bench: Cameron Maybin, Elijah Dukes

SP: Tim Lincecum, John Lackey, Yovani Gallardo, Zack Greinke, Jon Lester
RP: Mariano Rivera, Matt Capps, Brian Wilson, Joel Hanrahan, Kevin Gregg
Bench: Ricky Nolasco, Josh Johnson

I think it's a contender, but I thought last years team was super stacked, so who the hell knows really?


Amy said...

Incredibad? That made me laugh.

My Latte Life said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
My Latte Life said...

Quite possibly the biggest shit show on the planet. Awesome.

Sam said...

i like it

Patty said...

What would you expect; it's an Alaska team. Hello from Green River, Utah.

Erik said...

I like that roster, definitely a contender.

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