A Slice of Fried Gold

I'm in hell

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Alright, that title is obviously a bit overdramatic, but still, when designing a version of my own personal hell, the actual atmosphere would likely be rather similar to Alaska in the winter. I love Alaska. It's beautiful. It's provides many great opportunities. It's home.

But good god, sometimes enough is enough. Today has pretty much represented everything I don't like about the state in one big mega mix of absurdity. There are many reasons why I find this place extremely frustrating to live, but the primary ones are below.

1. Perpetual darkness

Today it was light out from 8:56 am until 4:32 PM. In case you're not willing to do the math (and who would be really) that is 7 hours and 36 minutes of daylight. Less than one third of the day was light out and I was working for the entirety of that. Of course, some people are into that. Vampires for one. They'd love it. You can be a daywalker like Blade in Alaska, because odds are it isn't going to be daytime ever.

2. Freezing.

When I was at the gym I complained to a coworker about how it took me thirty minutes to get from my office to the gym. He asked "didn't you grow up here?"

Yes, I grew up here, but that doesn't mean one ever necessarily gets adjusted to living in thirty degree weather on a good day. The worst part is the fact that Alaska is seemingly mean spirited to its citizens. It has this nasty of habit of snowing, getting really freaking cold so everything freezes, thawing out a little bit, then getting cold and snowing again simultaneously. Then you're left with what it was like after work today - a car buried in snow, cold to the bone, and everything is so slick you almost fall everytime you get in or out of your car.

And I did. I ate it bad. I was on the phone with Brian when I crashed to the ground so hard he actually was about to get off the line because he thought I got in a car accident. That's how you know a fall is serious business - when you do it and someone openly wonders if there was a car accident. I feel as if I need to lose weight.

3. People drive crazy slow and slowly crazy

Due to the fact it's dark, cold, and icy, everyone on the road in Alaska turns into some fusion of a drunk driver and a senior citizen while driving. God forbid you actually come across a senior citizen or a drunk driver, because you better start praying. Earlier today during my ten minute jaunt turned 30 minute sojourn from work to the gym, an older woman took a right through a red as oncoming traffic crashed down upon her, but it wasn't a standard right.

Oh no.

It was one of those ten minute slight anglings that takes a person all the way to the far lane on a three lane road. She nearly caused the biggest accident this side of a demolition derby as the furious and terrified drivers that approached her harmonized their horns.

No less, the Alaskan driving experience becomes so bad that you pretty much don't want to drive. Every venture triples in length of time. You find yourself telling nearby friends that you don't want to make the trip because it would take too long. Essentially, because the driving is so bad (or just slow, as I insist) you feel permitted to become a shut in. Hibernation I say, but some would disagree.

4. I can't do anything outside...
5. because I suck at all winter sports


This is a combination reason. I love pretty much all summer sports. Basketball, baseball, football, frisbee golf, ultimate frisbee, golf, soccer, hiking...hell, I've been known to partake in badminton and croquet if the situation arises. I'm good at all of them too, and I have a blast doing them. Perhaps that's because I can play them effectively or perhaps it's because I genuinely enjoy them. Obviously, with Alaska how it is during the interminably long winter, I can't do any of them.

My alternative is any and every winter sport, but there are two truths about them - I don't like any of them, and that is mostly because I'm bad at all of them. I can't really stop in hockey. The last time I went snowboarding I got a concussion that was so serious the doctor said if I hit my head again in the next three months I may die.

I can't even sled. I wish I was joking, but I'm really not. Seeing me try to sled is one of the more awkward things you will ever see, as even negotiating my way onto the sled is problematic for me. The concept of getting onto it always troubled me, as even the larger sleds I act like it's thimble sized disc that I must wedge myself in to. Then when the movement begins, I have a tendency to fall off. I have absolutely no confidence in my sledding skills (or lack there of).

In summation

Alaska sucks during the winter. You know a person is an Alaskan when the first snow fall happens and they immediately tell friends how much they can't wait until the next summer. Summers rule in Alaska. It's pretty much perfect.

Alaska - where you survive 8 months a year to enjoy four months a year.

Hmmph.

I need winter hobbies badly.

2 comments:

Erik said...

I've been having a tough time with the dark here, I can't imagine what I'd be like up there anymore.

Bobbie said...

I cracked up at 4 and 5! Get used to it, we have a long way to go.
I got my tickets.... thanks for the kick in the rear.

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